I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We're too hungover to prance.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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