Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
