Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
