tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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