Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
