Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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