Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
