How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
