i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize