Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
