I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
