your parents love me but you hate me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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