So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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