There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
