You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
