the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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