Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
