just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Randomize
