I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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