I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
