what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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