I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize