Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
