my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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