When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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