Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
