that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
