Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
