when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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