Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
