I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
