the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize