Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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