i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
