So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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