Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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