Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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