im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
