hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
