On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
