I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
