everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
