I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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