life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
