I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
