Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
