i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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