you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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