Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
