you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
