i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
