when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
