Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Randomize
