Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
