Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
