Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
