John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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