Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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