I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
