Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
