Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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