I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm too high and old for this...
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