I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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