After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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