Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
