you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
